The correct answer to this question is that there is no “right amount.” Each couple is different. More importantly, each one may have circumstances changed due to illness, careers, and children (among many other things) that will interfere with their sexual desire and availability. There may be times in a couple’s life when sexual intimacy is perfectly possible every day and, at other times, a logistical impossibility.

Research shows that an “average” couple usually has sex about 2 to 3 times a week. However, if you are concerned about being average, I would encourage you to think about your intimacy over several weeks or several months. Each couple will have good and bad weeks in personal attendance, as there is no magic number that couples need to reach to be “healthy.”

How to avoid conflict over sexual intimacy?

For the partner who wants more:

Understand that intimacy is a two-way street. Sex involves two people. It is very clear from the research that sex is more rewarding, enjoyable, and satisfying if both partners want intimacy.

If you are the partner who wants to have sex more regularly, realize that having sex every day may not be the pleasant experience you think it will be if your partner’s desire does not match yours. Willingly postpone intimacy if your spouse is not in a good mood and avoid taking it as a personal rejection.

For the partner wanting less:

Understand that your better half is probably looking for closeness and not just physical gratification. Often, the person who wants less sex sees his partner as obsessed and overly focused on the physical element of the relationship and that this is all the other person is concerned about. 

It is important for the person who wants less sex to realize that sexual involvement attempts are good signs of a healthy relationship and often come from a desire for both physical and emotional connection. There are plenty of alternatives that people can turn to (online or not) if they are looking for personal gratification in our modern world. Your partner’s attempts at intimate closeness probably stem from the love and desire for closeness to you.

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